??????????? The philosophy of the unfaithful: Suffer in silence and find secret relief in extramarital affairs. The numbers of the unfaithful have experienced a meteoric rise since the landmark research of Alfred Kinsey in 1950 on the subject of infidelity. More than a half century ago, the unfaithful were measured at 50% for men and 26% for women. Adultery has been increasing with the greatest increase among women. Today, it is estimated that between 45-55% of married women will have extramarital sex, according to Atwood and Schwartz in an article published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy.
Despite the increase in extramarital affairs, 90% of all people surveyed believe adultery is morally wrong. However, the moral code doesn?t seem to prevent people from acting on their sexual and emotional desires outside of the marital relationship. Affairs tend to happen during specific stages in a marriage; the reasons for affairs are varied and if the reason is compelling enough, an affair can happen at any time.
Oddly enough, the newly wed are vulnerable for sex outside of marriage. The youthful 20+ couples are more likely to have affairs than older couples. Women in their 20s are equal to their male counterparts in the frequency of extramarital sexual encounters. At the same time, the early stage of marriage is when affairs are least likely to be detected because the newly wedded bliss makes having an affair seem very unlikely. The young adulterers are seeking a romantic and sexual high that they have been experiencing through the courtship and honeymoon. When the intense emotions and sexual passion dissipate, they seek the same intensity outside of the marriage.
The next vulnerable stage is after the first child is born. It is more common for men to have affairs at this time because they are no longer the central focus in the wife?s eyes. In addition, motherhood may trigger men?s Madonna Complex (seeing women as non-sexual and maternal). For the same reason, women can seek extramarital affairs to re-ignite a feeling of being sexy and attractive.
The seven-year itch is a psychological phenomenon characterized by a loss of interest and drive in the marriage. The seven-year itch can be experienced during a time (whether it is 5 or 10 years into the marriage) when dreams are realized. The children are born, the dream house is bought and the career is underway. Instead of the fantasy of the ?perfect? life, couples can sometimes experience this stage as drudgery. The affair becomes a way of initiating the fantasy of wonderful new things to come.
Midlife is another vulnerable point. The kids are grown and the career has lost its magic. The house is empty and the goals are realized. So what?s next? Midlife has its unique challenges in that it can bring into question the entire first half of adult life. Women may seek other men because they have felt unhappy all along but stayed in the marriage ?for the children?. As women age, they may seek extramarital relationships before their looks fade.
Finally, there is the late stage affair. Occasionally women leave as they become elderly because they feel they have reached the last stop in their journey. Finally, they feel entitled to do for themselves. Often, family and friends are shocked that after 30 or 40 years of marriage, she is having an affair. Affairs during this stage in life are sought because women want desperately to experience that deep emotional connection that was absent for decades.
Struggling With Choices
Although some women have affairs just for the sex, most women have relationships with the men they are having extramarital sex with as women seek emotional connections through affairs. Women may have affairs because of sexual dysfunction in the marriage or for sexual variability. When women cheat because of sexual frustration, the men they choose are more youthful and attractive than their husbands. There appears to be a conscious decision to find a man who more closely matches the sexual fantasies, but it is more common that women seek affairs for emotional intimacy than for sexual passion.
Amanda describes her conflicted emotions over her affair: ?I am so ashamed for having a relationship with Tom. My husband has no idea that I have been in love with Tom for three years. Tom is a great guy. I can talk to him about anything. I really feel he is interested in me. We laugh, talk and love together. I want to leave the marriage but I think, John, my husband is a great guy too! He loves me and my daughter. We just don?t connect anymore. On the weekdays we are so busy, I hardly see him. On the weekends, he would rather watch the game or hang out with friends. When I tell him we should do things together, he does so begrudgingly. On the other hand, he is very caring and protective of me. I keep going back and forth in my mind over this affair and I can?t decide what to do. If am going to stay married, I know I need to end it. I think that my conflict is a sign that I don?t really want to leave. I know I have to choose one or the other. My daughter complicates the picture. I don?t want her to have to go through a divorce. She should have both parents, but on the other hand, what kind of life is it to live with a man you don?t love??
Amanda?s affair started as a friendship. Tom was someone she could talk to and he made her feel special. As their relationship progressed, it slowly evolved from talking to a deep emotional intimacy. For Amanda, this felt like love. Tom responded to her overtures of affection and eventually they had sex. The relationship continued to grow over many months, until they both developed a deep emotional attachment.
Sandy started her affair soon after they married. Less conflicted than Amanda, she appears almost giddy about the affair: ?I can?t believe I am having an affair. We are married about 9 months now. The wedding was fantastic. My parents love Bob. I am not knocking him but he was the guy everyone expected me to marry. He?s a really nice guy. I trust him completely, which makes me wonder what I am doing. But I have to say that when I am with Richie, I am so turned on. We can have sex for hours. Sex with my husband has become routine and I do it out of obligation. On the other hand, Richie?the opposite of my husband?is a real jerk. I don?t trust him. He probably has several girls on the side. But, I can?t stop thinking about him.?
Amanda and Sandy have two very different affairs. Amanda?s affair began because she was lonely and isolated in the marriage. Amanda is very distressed about the affair. She doesn?t want to disrupt the lives of the people around her. She didn?t see the outcome of her choices early on in the friendship with Tom. Sandy had an affair on impulse. She sought an intense emotional and sexual experience when the opportunity presented itself. Rebelling against the expectations of a stable and predictable existence, she finds the excitement of the affair a powerful drug.
Marriage in America
The National Marriage Project at Rutgers University studies the behavior of Americans and marriage. One goal of the institute is to revitalize marriage in America. Marriages have been on a steady decline since 1970 to the present from 76.5 to 39.2 per 1000. About half of the population is married. Among African-Americans, only 30% of females are married and 38.5% of males. Of all married couples, about 60% say they are very happy. Birth rates have gone down and divorce rates have more than quadrupled since 1960. Among high school seniors, about 70% of boys and 80% girls believe that a happy marriage is critical for a fulfilled and happy life but only 60% of them believe that they will stay married if they get married. About half of the same high school seniors believe that having a child outside of marriage is a worthwhile lifestyle.
Based on the numbers, it appears that marriage, as we know it, is facing a crisis. Men and women seem to act out their issues and problems instead of resolving them in the marriage. The best marriages are between people who are committed to keeping their partners happy and satisfied. The primary focus is on the other person and secondarily on their own personal needs; each partner gives and receives with a mutual respect for their partner?s needs. Every relationship can benefit from an annual ?boot camp? in which couples revitalize their marriage with enhancement skills.
Healthy marriages provide safety, security, and stability?not very exciting. The stuff of everyday living requires strength to get through the struggles and the bad times. To the contrary, affairs are the hormone-enriched fantasies of the self indulgent and perpetuated in secret only to accelerate the attraction of the forbidden fruit. When all is said and done, at the end of every affair, the fantasies fade to the stuff of everyday life.
Dr. Vanessa Gourdine, a psychologist and life, business and executive coach, is the CEO of Life Work Strategies, LLC, a coaching and consulting firm, and Specialized Therapy Associates, LLC, a family psychotherapy center. She can be reached at 201-224-5200 or DrG@LWSCoach.com.?
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